Bitch, it's called a purse.

So, anyone who has a TV and watches it even once in a blue moon is going to have seen one of Progressive Auto Insurance’s commercials. Largely featuring a pristine and sterile store environment and a peppy spokeswoman (Flo), these commercials are designed to both inform viewers of Progressive’s supposed value, charisma, reliability, nerve, and talent. Or some shit like that. In truth, it’s just a clever marketing ploy to inspire in the viewer a sense of order and reassurance, as well as appeal to the younger crowd with delightfully quirky and quick-witted Flo.

In one of the more recent commercials, a husband and wife are shopping for auto insurance. Leave it to Flo to help them find exactly what they’re looking for at both a manageable price, and in a manageable time frame. Who [i]wouldn’t[/i] want to shop with Progressive? With such a spic-and-span uniform, neat and orderly hair, and perky breasts, anyone would trust Flo. Alas, the husband appears to be carrying his wife’s purse, much to Flo’s dismay. Upon finding the couple affordable auto insurance, Flo proud proclaims, ‘No more holding her purse!’

This is where things get interesting. The husband shoots Flo a worried look, and the wife informs her, in quite the bitchy voice, ‘It’s a European shoulder bag.’ What the fuck is this shit. It’s a goddamn purse. It’s got a clasp, a pocket, a strap, and it’s on his fucking shoulder. I don’t call a grocery bag a European produce container, do I?

Has anyone else noticed the craze where people buy something run of the mill, refer to it as European, and expect people to be impressed? Brett Michaels, I’m looking at you and your wea— hair extensions. For some reason, to Americans, European implies both class and quality. In order to make ourselves feel better about our mediocre and altogether boring lives, we buy ‘fancy’ and overpriced products to display to everyone our social standing. Quite frankly, I’d rather be able to outwit the next idiot I run into than make them gape at my pearl necklace. Like I own a pearl necklace. It’s European.

Back in the day, people with class knew they were classy, and didn’t really feel a need to go overboard with it. For instance, we’ve got these developmental DVDs called Baby Einstein that cost entirely too much and are supposed to teach your little brats for you. Long gone are the days of parental involvement! How easy it is to teach a child when all you have to do is sit them on their soon-to-be-fat ass and let them soak up the knowledge on their own. All you as the responsible parent have to do is pay six easy payments of $19.99. In a world ruled by electronics and twenty dollar bills, life is simple and easy.

According to a study covered on the Wikipedia page of Baby Einstein, approximately 49% of parents think that educational videos are necessary in the intellectual development of their precious snowflake. These are three month olds we’re talking about. Why don’t you get down on the fucking ground and play with them yourselves, you lazy shits? Of course, I don’t speak about everyone. Just the majority.

See what this has turned into? Car insurance to lazy parents. Maybe if the world was more about, y’know, taking care of things yourself instead of leaving it to a foreign country, or a video tape, things might be a little better.

In short, bitch, it’s called a purse.